How Do I Feel
by Autumn
Summary: "...how do I feel, ever since I walked away from you..." Gambit/Rogue fic, 1/1


Disclaimer: X-Men is Marvel's. This is sometime, I don't really care when, after Gambit #16, one of the most sad moments in R/R history! IMO, anyway. Feedback is welcome. "How Do I Feel" is Hoku's, by the by.

_This has been revised from its original, thanks to Jean1 for the comments. Very appreciated!_

**

How Do I Feel  


**_A Comic 'Verse X-Men Tale  
_by Autumn  __

How do I feel  
Ever since I walked away from you 

"Do ya miss 'er, Gumbo?" Wolverine's question was innocent, tactfully blunt, but innocent. He had to know. To know whether or not he should protect her. Rogue was full grown now, a beautiful woman in her right way, but he still remembered the scared, thoughtless young woman who had joined the team shortly after causing his friend, Carol Danver's, emptiness.

"Do I miss 'er?" Gambit repeated. Wolverine grunted.

"Answer t'question, Cajun."

_I miss you for real  
Everyday of my life _

"Oui." This was one of Gambit's truthful moments, not doused with a sugar coating, the shell, he normally gave his teammates.

"Tol' 'er that?"

"Non." Gambit shook his head, red eyes flashing with something Wolverine didn't register.

"Why not?"

Gambit paused, his hands stilling. He had been making dinner, his turn to cook, when Wolverine had bounded into the kitchen, the fridge his target. But Wolverine had paused on his way out, smelling depression coming from the Cajun X-Man.

__

How do I feel  
Now that it's over

"Dunno," Gambit finally admitted. His hands began kneading the bread dough again, his eyes drifting shut. "I feel numb, sometimes, like… I don' believe 'ts over."

"Do ya want it to be over?"

__

Well the thing that I miss the most  
Is missing you

"Oui." This statement caught Wolverine off guard. All the time Gambit had been chasing her, pleading with her, loving her... he was going to give up?

"Ya do?"

Nodding once, Gambit stopped, wiped his hands on a towel, and turned to face the brute Canadian.

"I'm tired of 'oping, of pleadin' his case to 'er. If she can' accept me for who I am, ma belle cherie can' have me."

Logan nodded slowly. "I understand ya, Gumbo. But I think ya're makin' a mistake."

"Maybe it is," Gambit shrugged, and pulled a cigarette from his pocket, lighting it and heading out a backdoor.

__

I was lost for a while  
Every place brought back a memory

Time went on. Old wounds began to heal. Gambit began to get back into the circle of life, despite Rogue being everywhere. The kitchen, the rec. room, all the local hangouts...

He was startled one night, to find her perched on the roof. She sat silently, unaware of his presence as she just stared into the mass of stars. He was hit with a memory, a memory from so long ago...

__

Of a kiss or a smile that you gave me  
Now it's changed

She'd been blinded, and he had comforted her in the best way he could be: by being her eyes. By being there for her.

"Chere," he murmured to himself, retreating. "Where'd I go wrong?"

"Sugah?" a tentative voice offered, "Can Ah talk t'ya?"

"Sure, chere, what can I do for y'?" His voice was dull, flat, and Rogue flinched when he turned to her. She'd caused that...

__

Well I guess  
More and more I miss you

"Ah'm sorry," she whispered. "Ah didn' mean ta cause ya pain. Ya're a good man, Remy."

Gambit nodded, then shrugged. "Merci, chere."

"Can we... can we..." Rogue paused, taking a deep breath. "...Start over?"

__

Less and less  
Sometimes it's hard to let you go

Gambit started at her plea. She wanted another chance. Another opportunity for him to feel worthless, he suspected harshly. He shook his head, smiling a bittersweet smile.

"Non, chere. I've done my share. I'm tired of bein' treated like... like..." he stuttered, unsure of how to continue. He could be kicking himself, berating himself. He loved her, and was saying no to another chance to be happy...

__

Sometimes, you get trapped in a time of your life  
But you know it gets a little easier over time

His mind flashed back, to the few weeks before he had broken up with her. They'd had a *real* relationship, well, as real as two mutants could have. His powers, now tweaked, enabled him to touch her. His body tingled at the memory of the feeling of her naked body *finally* against his... How could he turn down that chance, again?

All relationships had their ups and downs, maybe communication would be a down until they could turn it into an 'up.' And just enjoy the benefits until then...

'Non, non!' he scolded himself, and began berating himself mentally. 'I can' use 'er, again, not like how I used Belle...'

__

I miss the moody walks in the rain  
I miss the poetry, I miss the days  
I miss the sad songs I used to play

"Ah miss you," Rogue told him, her voice beginning to quiver. "Remembah our walks when it would rain? Ah'd bring an umbrella, but Ah'd never use it, and we'd dance together in the rain? Then ya'd scowl all t'way home, complainin' 'bout two showers in one day."

Gambit nodded, grinning ruefully. "I 'member, chere."

"Remembah the mock poetry session we had?"

Gambit smirked, nodding. "I 'member. My poem was de best, as I recall."

"In yah're life, swamp rat!" Rogue drawled, shaking her head. Her curls of brown hair fell into her eyes. And she pushed the hair back, blowing her white strip from her eyes in annoyance as it fell back in place.

__

But the one thing I miss the most  
Is missing you

Gambit reached a hand, instinctively, and pushed the strand of white hair behind her right ear. They both stiffened at the contact. Rogue, out of drilled fear, and Gambit, out of hesitancy.

"Chere..."

"Yah?"

"We can' start over. Its too late..." he wiped a tear away, that fell down her cheek as his words sunk in. "We hurt each other too much, an'..." he shrugged, at loss of words to express himself.

"But..."

"I'm sorry," Remy LeBeau, the X-Men known as Gambit, walked away. It was over. A new chapter began.


End file.
